


I'm Always Scared But Without You I'm Terrified

by Oboeist3



Category: Ghost (music video), Mystery Skulls (Band)
Genre: Add a Crippling Lack of Self Worth to that Shitty Mental Sundae, F/M, Gen, Nonspecific Anxiety Disorder Afflicted Arthur Because Reasons, attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-04
Updated: 2014-11-04
Packaged: 2018-02-24 03:41:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2566934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oboeist3/pseuds/Oboeist3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The voice in the cave wasn't the only one Arthur listened to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Always Scared But Without You I'm Terrified

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, Oboeist here! Really loved the music video and had to write something for it. Arthur's thoughts are in italics, and the tense change is intentional. Hope you enjoy and DFTBA!

Arthur's hands were shaking as he held up the gun to his forehead, cool metal jittering across his skin. He was always like this, shaking, spluttering, scared out of his wits.

 

_Useless. Pathetic._

Even before the Mystery Skulls threw him into the world of the supernatural and impossible, Arthur was terrified. Of everything. The outdoors, the indoors, the ground under his feet. But most of all of people. What did they think of him? What did they see?

 

_Why were they so scary?_

He didn't even know why he'd decided to join them, drop out of his tentative mathematics degree and agree to drive around the country in a van that looked like the goths had revamped the Mystery Machine.

 

_Of course I did._

Except he did know the reason, but it was all the more terrifying to admit. Lewis and Vivi. The first people to treat him like a human and not some paranoid thing, muck under their shoes.

 

_They should have. I should've made them._

But how could he? How could he not enjoy their friendship, their easy companionship, one of the few things that slowed his heart rate down to a reasonable tempo?

 

_Selfish. Weak._

They were always there for him, Lewis's broad shoulders pressed against his narrow, trembling ones. Vivi's soft words calming down the storm of his thoughts. Even Mystery, curled up in his lap, demanding attention, allowing him no time for 'what ifs' and such similar. It was nice. He was happy.

 

_I didn't deserve it._

Then, Lewis and Vivi started dating. At first, he was glad for them. Anyone with eyes could see they were meant for each other. But then, they got wrapped up in it. They became one of those gooey couples that could only see each other, leaving Arthur alone.

 

_Why was I surprised?_

The panic ran deeper when they weren't there. Sometimes he would sit in the back of the van for hours, staring at nothing, the tremors racking his body to exhaustion. They didn't know, because he didn't let them. Whenever they asked, he said he was fine. They were happy. He couldn't ruin that.

 

_Help me. I'm scared._

The day they went to the Skull Cave began horribly. Nightmares of gnashing teeth left him practically dead on his feet. Even the honeymoon glow couple had noticed, but he just said he was nervous about this cave. It wasn't a lie. This place looked like you could go in and never come out. But he had to go. The crippling fear of being without anyone for miles and miles was more than the natural trepidation of the spooky, cold cave. Still, his grip on Lewis's shoulder was tight as they ventured deeper and deeper, the light of day a forgotten image behind their backs. Lewis had smiled at him, smiled like he hadn't since he started dating Vivi, said it was going to be ok.

 

_How wrong you were._

They eventually came to a fork, each sign marked with question marks. With a shrug, they decided to split up, Lewis and Arthur to the left, Vivi and Mystery to the right. After a while, they came to a ledge overlooking a cliff, the bottom lined with spiked stones that sent shivers up Arthur's spine. He was always aware of how easily he could die, but it felt even closer there. A step away from death.

 

_Or a push._

Lewis was fascinated by it though. He leaned over the precipice, whistling at the height of it, the sharp spikes that could easily impale an unfortunate soul.

 

"Pretty scary, huh Art? Let's head back before Vivi gets-" But Lewis wasn't able to finish that thought, because he was falling, flailing to his death. A death Arthur had pushed him to.

 

_Monster._

But it wasn't him, not really. It was the voice. Not like the usual voices. Powerful. Strong. It drowned out everything else, sung honey sweet thoughts, calmed him down like nothing ever had. Green spread over the left side of his body, his arm, his face. Quirked his lips in an unnatural smirk. His arm was completely steady as he bowed to it, like he always did.

 

**_Kill him._ **

****

Even now, he didn't regret listening. Not when it made everything so silent, so clear. Then Vivi was screaming, teeth sunk into his arm, and it all hit him.

 

_I killed him. I murdered my best friend._

Vivi didn't remember. Didn't remember the cave, dragging him to the hospital, making him his arm. Didn't remember Lewis. She seemed to think it had always been that way, just the three of them, traveling the country, solving mysteries. He didn't tell her the truth. How could he?

 

_Coward._

He stopped listening to the thoughts after the cave, refused to believe them, shut down his anxieties before they even began. The one moment of clarity had grounded him, made him want control in a way he never had before. Made him realize how much he needed it.

 

It wasn't perfect. Relapses were common. Some days he could barely drag himself out of the back of the van, metal and skin rattling against the wheel as he drove, outwardly silent, his mind a death metal concert of bad thoughts. But overall, he was better. Vivi helped, just being there, talking about nothing and everything all at once, making him focus. Maybe it was only natural he fell in love with her. But he never acted on the feelings. He couldn't. She wasn't his to woo, not when she couldn't remember Lewis. Not while the metal arm glinted back at him, a daily reminder of his mistake, his weakness.

 

_I miss him._

Then, almost a year after the cave, and far too close to it for comfort, the car broke down. Luckily , it was in front of a house, an old, Victorian thing that Vivi loved instantly.

 

"It really looks like it's haunted!" she said, with the same effervescent joy as a kid in the candy store.

 

She wasn't wrong.

 

It had everything a proper haunted house should, strange shadow ghosts, paintings that moved, knights of armor with glowing purple eyes, trapdoors. And at the bottom of an impossibly deep pit, a sleekly dressed skeleton ghost with a blank faced hatred that had Arthur quaking in his boots. He didn't know why until purple flame formed that distinct hairstyle on a skeleton head.

 

Lewis.

 

Part of him wanted to move closer, to talk to his once best friend, but most of him knew. This wasn't the Lewis that held him tight to his chest and let him match the slow even breathes. This was the Lewis that stared up at his friend after he pushed him to his death, this was the Lewis that hated him, and not without reason.

 

So he ran, he ran as fast as he could, passing Vivi and Mystery in his wake, through an infinitely long hallway of doors, until he was backed into a corner, a pissed off ghost barrelling towards him. He was paralyzed, eyes blasted wide with fear, but at the same time, he felt no urge to move. Maybe it was best this way. That it should end like this. Neither can live while the other survives type dealio.

 

But then Vivi was there, throwing herself in front of him, halting the ghost in his tracks, his yellow-bright heart thumping towards her at an alarming speed.

 

It was the metal arm that grabbed her before it could touch her fingers, dragged her out of the way of purple hellfire hot on their tails, started up the van and got them out of there as quickly as possible. The same arm that took him away the first time. The same lack of control. Even though the nerve endings are gone, he feels cold.

 

Three miles pass between the wall of thorns and them before Vivi speaks.

 

"I remember."

 

It's funny how much power fits in those two words, the tone of it, the reality behind it.

 

'I'm sorry.'  He wants to say. But how can he? How could that ever be enough? So he locks his jaw to keep his teeth from chattering and keeps driving.

 

_Failure._

That was two days ago. Now Arthur sits in a hotel room in Chicago, right arm holding a gun to his head, desperately trying to keep it steady. Vivi was in the room across the hall, not that it mattered. Ever since the mansion, she wouldn't say a word to him. He doesn't blame her. But without her, the thoughts are too powerful, attacking him in unending waves.

 

Useless. Pathetic. Selfish. Weak. Monster. Coward. Failure.

 

He just wants them to stop.

 

When he finally manages to click the trigger, there's no grace in it. No last words, no dying thoughts. Just a panic. But there's no bang, no red staining the sheets. Because his left hand is gripping the barrel of the gun, warping the metal beyond use.

 

It's glowing bright green.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Just a quick update for people who read my other stuff:
> 
> 1) Chapter 4 of Rendezvous will be out before 2015. I can't guarantee it won't be at 11:59 on December 31st, but it will be this year.  
> 2) Who is Mr. Jones is kind of on a semi-permanent hiatus. Sorry. However, if it does get updated, it will feature Dickish Marine Alfred Who Smokes All of Steve's Cigarettes.  
> 3) Superheros, Starks, and A Town of Geniuses has a bit more of a hopeful outlook. However, since I don't have a set ending in mind, it might be a while too.  
> 4) The Prophecy Of Overs I actually did write a little more for, but I make no promises of anything other than the first chapter. It was a kind of spur of the moment type thing. (It features Clint as basically Mareth.)  
> 5) I'll be transferring some stories over from my Tumblr for W2H, and there are a lot of them, so don't be alarmed by all of the activity on my page. 
> 
> Have a nice day!


End file.
